The Adventures of God

• I
• God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.
• Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.
• God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.
• (pause)
• Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?
• God: No. I’m thinking “flood”.
• Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-
• God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?
• II
• God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
• Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
• God: Yes.
• Moses: Awesome.
• God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
• Moses: …ten?
• God: Is there a problem?
• Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?
• God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.
• Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.
• God: Yes.
• Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.
• God: Yes.
• Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?
• God: ...
• Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to?
• III
• Mary: Did you send the child support?
• God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.
• Mary Annnnnd?
• God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.
• Mary: That’s better.
• IV
• Job: …
• God: Well, this is awkward.
• V
• God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.
• Abraham: As you wish, my lord.
• God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.